12 | Misunderstood | 8/25/24

 I would say that all my life I have at the very least been a shy person. Over time, possibly over the course of a decade, that built into a noticeable anxiety disorder. At this point I'm a wreck. Unfortunately that has been made no better by the way people have treated me when I'm feeling anxious. All my life, especially in school, I have faced people downplaying my anxiety and criticizing me for not acting in a certain way despite my anxiety. 

Before I criticize all of those who haven't treated anxiety with the seriousness I feel it deserves, I am very grateful to say there are people who do understand and sympathize with me. Notably, when I went to the dentist for a cleaning a few months ago, the hygienist noticed I was having a panic attack about having an X-ray and respectfully and patiently helped me calm down so that I could get it done. That level of respect being shown to me is a rarity, and I'm very thankful for it. Anxiety is hard to understand, and I too can sympathize with a different perspective from my own, but criticism is the last place you want to go with someone suffering from anxiety. It hurts deeply to hear that I "should've spoken up" or "should've done this instead of that", when the reason I didn't do those things was because I was too anxious. Equally, being told that I "need to relax" is unhelpful. I know I am freaking out. Telling me to calm down isn't going to help me because I am trying to do that already. Help me relax, be patient with me, and sympathize with me, and then you're being respectful. Otherwise I feel as though I'm being condescended and criticized for something I can't control.

To put you into my shoes, I will take you through the (abridged) experience I had during the aforementioned X-ray. I could not properly explain to you what makes me afraid of mouth X-rays. And yet, the thought of it makes my stomach twist. The day of, I felt nauseous and sweaty. My stomach turned and flopped and I was fully tensed up. My voice was high and cracked, and I only kept to a few words. I even cried a little bit because I was overwhelmed. Quicker than I could even process, my brain screamed at me all the little ways this procedure could go wrong. I could choke on the mouth piece. I could vomit because I gag on the mouth piece. I could cause the hygienist to get frustrated with me. I could have to redo the experience over and over again because I keep doing it wrong. Heaven forbid, I could suddenly drop dead. All from a small X-ray mouth piece. It very much feels like I am experiencing a life or death situation right in the dentist's chair. I could not begin to explain to you why, and I'm sure even a psychiatrist would struggle to properly communicate the experience. Hence, why I sympathize with the ignorant. 

While I was lucky to have a patient hygienist, I was not as lucky in other cases. In fifth grade I was so shy that I didn't say a single word to the teacher all year. Whenever the teacher got near me and I was talking, I would suddenly stop talking. It was a bit of a joke in my class, however it eventually became a problem, as because I had missed school that meant I missed some important class curriculum. My grade suffered quite heavily because of it. My teacher approached me and told me I had to start speaking up or else I would continue to suffer. I still never said a word to the teacher after then because by that point I was too anxious to say anything to him. Why did I never talk to him in the first place? Quite simply, authority scares me. Especially as a kid, I believed that people in higher positions than me would be very judgmental of me. There is truly no better example of that than a school teacher (it's their job, I get it). I was intimidated by teachers, going into third or fourth grade and all the way into my freshman year of college. Teachers determine my success and are often very critical of me if I fail. I didn't want to say anything wrong around my teachers (especially considering how strict the rules of my schools were) and I didn't want to suffer punishment because of it. I suppose that culminated in one of my teachers, someone who was friendly but ultimately who intimidated me. Whenever I was called on in class, any class, I would immediately feel a cold wave down my body and I'd freeze up, almost as though I had been hit with a freeze ray. Staying silent as a joke in my class would ensure I could never be called on and never face the embarrassment of being wrong.

Ultimately, my point is that I was hurt by the criticism. I can't "just speak up". If I could, I would have done so. I'm not stupid. The problem is everything in my body is telling me that I can't. My brain is telling me why staying silent is better than potentially being embarrassed or harmed or judged, or your choice here. My body freezes and tenses. At times, I quite literally cannot get words out of my mouth. No matter how hard I try to speak I feel like my vocal cords have been severed from my throat. There's no better way to explain it. I am being dramatic, and I am reacting unnecessarily strongly. I know. You don't need to tell me. People act as though those with anxiety don't know that and, pardon my language, it pisses me off.

If you know someone struggling with anxiety, don't baby them. They are not idiots. They are probably as intelligent as you are, if not more. Anxiety disorders are just a brick wall in some people's way of life. If you want it spelled out very easily for you, refer to this:

Do:
- Be patient with them; wait for them to agree to do the action they are afraid of
- Reassure them how unlikely the bad outcomes are to happen; remind them of what they'll realistically go through
- Talk it out with them and understand why they're feeling anxious before trying to "solve" it
- Understand they are aware of their anxiety
- Give them a hug, hold their hand, or some other reassuring action if they agree to it-- it might help relax them

Don't:
- Tell them to "calm down" or that they're "being dramatic"
- Point out to them that they are anxious, or doing something against the norm
- Criticize them for staying silent or doing something abnormal (something generally considered to not be the right choice)
- Dismiss or ignore their anxiety; continue to do the action as though the person isn't freaking out over it
- Use an action/phrase, in an attempt of being reassuring, that the person has outright said they don't want (they know what they want, don't force things upon them even if you think you're helping)

I hope one day people will understand anxiety better and it will be treated with the respect it deserves. I've been buried in my shell deeper and deeper thanks to people who have failed to understand me or treat me properly. We are sensitive and we need to be cared for properly. Don't feel bad if you treated someone with anxiety improperly. We may remember you for the rest of time, but we'll find it in our hearts to forgive you if you can better yourself. People with mental disorders are smart and people with anxiety specifically are more than likely self-aware of themselves. Just remember that above all else. Until next.