14 | Nightmares | 10/30/24

 I've noticed something interesting. 

People say that your dreams are a reflection of your reality. I definitely agree with that. I have had dreams about Radiohead (my favorite band), or Half-Life (my favorite game). I've had dreams with my real life friends in them, current or past. I've had dreams where I basically repeat something that happened in my real life but exaggerated in an AI-generated fashion by my brain. Thankfully (or not thankfully) none of these have been lucid dreams.

Though, between my dreams about meeting Thom Yorke and going with my ex-friend on a strange adventure, I also have some dreams related to traumatic events in my life. There are a few examples I can pinpoint: 1. Nightmares about my old living space. 2. About my family. 3. About school.

I find it interesting that my brain is so caught up on trauma in my life that it carries over into my dreams. No doubt that dreams are influenced by subjects the brain is infatuated with. I suppose trauma would fall under that umbrella. But it's interesting the brain would go out of its way to force you to relive trauma even while you're unconscious. I guess that's just how PTSD works; I'm not a psychologist or anything.

To elaborate on my nightmares (and maybe put you in my shoes), I'll be going in order and explaining some examples of nightmares I've had.

1. My old living space.

Back when I was younger, maybe 12 at youngest, all the way up to when I was 16, I used to live in an apartment with one of my parents. The place was planted in the middle of a somewhat-dense forest, meaning it was home to many notorious forest creatures. Squirrels and rabbits I could cope with. Cockroaches is where I drew the line. Every few months (at least) we would have a cockroach enter our apartment. It would often be in my room or in the kitchen, meaning I would have to avoid the main two areas I visited because cockroaches disgusted me. Because of the neglect, they started laying eggs and having baby cockroaches infesting our kitchen. The exterminators would do very little about it.

Unfortunately, they do a lot more than just disgust me now. I will loosely claim to have a phobia of cockroaches. If I see one on a picture I will want to look away. If I see one outside I will run away from it. If, heaven forbid, one enters into my current living space, I will not be able to get it off my mind until I know it's dead. Last time one entered my house, I couldn't sleep and I refused to go downstairs. When I did have to go downstairs, my body tremored violently and my eyes scanned every corner of the room to make sure I wouldn't get near it. The moment I would've seen it, I would've run away. If that's not a phobia, I don't know what is. Apparently it's called katsaridaphobia, if you were curious.

To wrap this back around to my dreams, I have often had nightmares about the apartment. I've dreamt I was back living in that apartment. My brain would make up some excuse, like "my parent was able to re-purchase it" or something. Every time I appeared in these dreams I would be very upset (in-dream). I would get angry about having to live there again, and scared that at any moment a cockroach could appear in my room. On some occasions, I did dream a cockroach appeared in my room and I had to evacuate until my parent killed it. I would wish I was living in my current house instead of the apartment. When I woke up, I would breathe a huge sigh of relief realizing I wasn't living in that apartment anymore.

I don't want to go much further than my potential katsaridaphobia. The apartment traumatized me for other reasons that are closer to my chest. Long story short, I didn't enjoy living there, and the way in which I left was equally as traumatic (to me) as a cockroach appearing in my room in the dead of night when my parent was long asleep. I may live with this trauma forever. I wouldn't be surprised. I was young and it was something no child should have to experience. And, well, I guess while we're talking about childhood trauma:

2. My family.

Again, this is a subject I want to keep close to my chest. Not because people talking to me about it bothers me, but just because I worry the person I'm talking about will find this. To be as vague as possible, a family member of mine has caused me a number of childhood issues. They had utmost good intentions, I'm sure, but ultimately they were not in the right position to assist me. I learned a lot about them and it shattered my whole view of them. Someone I used to trust became a total stranger to me. It almost felt like they mitosis'd into two different people. I had a lot of hate that I regret ever feeling in the past.

They eventually became unable to see me in person. Still, that didn't stop them from appearing in my dreams. I would have nightmares about them reappearing at my home, just like old times. Some other nonsensical dream plot would happen alongside it, but I was mainly focused on that family member re-appearing in my home. I got upset. I thought, "Why are you back?? I thought I had gotten rid of you..." Again, I would wake up in relief upon remembering they were not really in my house.

Even outside of dreams, this situation crosses my mind a lot. At only nineteen, a person experiencing family drama to that degree is too much. Even a forty year old would struggle with it, I'm sure, let alone someone dependent on their family to live. I don't wish it upon my worst enemy. It's an awful experience.

3. School.

This will be a bit more lighthearted. I have previously detailed in this blog an instance in which I got lost in my school while trying to take exams. This was many years ago, and yet I still have dreams about it. I also have dreams of my middle and elementary school, but not as much in a negative way. Elementary school I can safely say did not traumatize me at all. Maybe a little bit. Not nearly as much compared to middle and high school.

I have a LOT of dreams about school. I have recurring dreams or multi-part dreams where I am trying to find a classroom, trying to leave school, trying to learn in school, doing some weird event in school, or some other, uncategorized thing. It's funny, because I often had problems in middle school because I was a loner, and I felt like either teachers or students had a vendetta against me. (I hated middle school with a fiery passion). But weirdly, what seems to have stuck in my mind the most was getting lost in my high school that one time. It was very stressful, no doubt, but it's not like it caused me any severe depression. I guess it uprooted a deep fear of getting lost, perhaps. It's true. I don't like being lost, metaphorically and literally.

All of this is to say, dreams do indeed base themselves on reality. So, if you have PTSD, I must unfortunately tell you that sleep will not protect you. But at least you can wake up the next morning realizing that none of it is real (anymore). 

Trauma is a weird thing. People experience it differently. I experience it in my mind a lot. I always try to link this to that whenever I become aware of my trauma; it helps me understand why I'm feeling it in the first place. And, plus, I like learning about myself. And how the human brain works.

My other dreams aren't too exciting. Maybe I'll collect them and make a mega-blog about the dreams I've written down. Not in this blog though. This is for anxiety. On that note,

Until next.