17 | Dissociative | 10/14/25

 This is more loosely based on anxiety, and rather just part of my overall mental health struggle. I will get into anxiety has been involved later on if I remember to.

Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, as I will be calling it) is something I have had to do a lot of research about lately because I have recently seriously considered that I may have it. I am aware it's an extreme diagnosis that can't just be tossed around like a warm towel, but I am rarely as certain about somethings as my mental health. With an asterisk, of course.

DID has a lot of confusion around it so, based on my intensive research, I will give you an explanation. DID is a disorder that starts due to childhood neglect, abuse, and/or trauma. It cannot form in adulthood because it begins while the brain is still in early developmental stages. It causes a person's personality to split into multiple parts as a way to cope with trauma throughout their entire life. These parts are oft called "alters". Alters can form later on in life, as well as disappear, depending on the circumstances. Alters will often have different personality traits and manners of coping. Imagine there are quite literally two or more different human beings sharing one body. Alters who are not in use will often go dormant (or fall asleep as I refer to it personally), and those who are active are "fronting". Multiple can front simultaneously. They front whenever their purpose needs fulfilling. Each alter has their own distinct memory (though they can overlap) causing large gaps in memory, especially around someone's childhood. The amount of alters someone has entirely depends on who they are and what they've experienced. Alter integration can be difficult, but bizarrely, most people with DID may not even realize they have it for a long time.

Quite a long checklist, isn't it? Now, I will admit, I am not a big fan of self-diagnoses. I know a lot of you just scoffed at that, aware of what's coming next. Yes, I am self-diagnosed with DID. Here is the thing: I have obviously done a lot of research. I have heard testimonies from friends. I have done maybe 15 online quizzes and scored high for all of them. I have my own personal experiences; I'm using an app to keep track of my behaviors when I am motivated to. I have large memory gaps in my childhood, and EVEN in recent memory. I notice intense differences in my personality. I hear voices in my head. I talk aloud to myself (not a definitive symptom, of course). I just rarely feel "alone", which is perhaps why I am happy being away from other people for extended periods of time. 

I've documented a lot about my alters (all of this is assuming that I have DID or OSDD (which is basically a looser version of DID)). I will give you the names and descriptions of them here, in order of discovery:

Miss Match (or just Ms for short): The youngest alter mentally, though she does not like to say she has an age at all. Very immature, silly, loud, high energy, and pretty much behaves like a toddler in a 20 year old's body. She stims A LOT, really genuinely fond of baby toys and using her imagination for playtime. Sweet and nice but can be obnoxious. Strong kinship with parrots. Kind of fond of cannibalism for some reason. Questioning her sexuality.

Mix Mazes (or Mx): The culmination of my life's trauma, basically. Extremely depressed and miserable. Tired. Can barely socialize. Paranoid with very low self-esteem. Takes the brunt of the damage while a traumatic experience is occurring. Very antsy and desperate to move around but rarely has the energy to do so. Very quick to anger and often gets very personal and vitriolic while arguing with someone. Suicidal but too afraid to do anything. Touch-averse. Good artist. Constant weight in their chest. Finds it difficult to talk about the other alters or any other potential mental illnesses they have (besides depression). Quite simply, a killjoy that all of my other alters hate. Aroace and male-aligned.

The System (or TS): The "straightman". Documents and observes all of the information you are reading here today. Avid writer and reader. Deeply introspective. Essentially helps keep all of the other alters in check and talks to them when they need another opinion. Very uncertain about their identity otherwise. Thinks of themselves as a ghost or spectre trapped in a human body. Happily engages in long, drawn-out discussions about basically anything. Smart. Usually talks in the third person for your convenience. Most typically comes around when I need to use my brain for something. Aroace and aggressively nonbinary.

Temporary (or Temp): The "oldest" maturity-wise but still thoroughly behaves like someone with autism. BFFs with Ms. Hyperfixates easily and identifies strongly with fictional characters. Rarely likes looking in the mirror or acknowledging themselves as part of the "me" whole, but proudly calls themselves Temporary despite that. Also high energy, usually mimicking those they are talking to to match their energy or patterns of speech. Very avid emoji user. Gets tired quickly but happy to push through it. Can get angry but gets over it just as quickly. Not a very good artist. Pansexual and has no set gender identity (all of them simultaneously!) but strong gender envy towards males.

Agent: Exists exclusively in my sleep or when I am very, very groggy. Monitors my dreams and activity while I am unconscious. "Paralyzed", and seemingly cannot control my body by day. They hold contempt towards the other alters because they wish to exist during the day but physically can't. Others compare them to AM from I Have No Mouth, And I Must Scream. While I am half-asleep, they will drone on about how they "don't want to wake up in the morning". Seemingly keeps a logbook of my dreams and subconscious thoughts but can't always share it. No identifiable personality, gender identity, nor sexuality. Was named by The System, much like the others.

Eraser (or Err): Eraser is an introject (i.e. a replication of) my boyfriend circa several months ago. He is often tired, decently antisocial, rarely motivated to do anything, easily gets angry/defensive, generally rude, enjoys music, identifies male, and uses gifs a lot. Mute aloud, besides grunts, requires other alters to speak for him. Enjoys watching movies despite his low patience. Heterosexual leaning (as in, attracted to females), male leaning.

Now, you may be wondering, who am I now? This did get complicated as I was writing it, as like I said, The System was heavily consulted to put this together. But I am predominantly Temporary. Hi 👋

How this connects to my anxiety has been a rather intense issue for me. DID is a very, VERY misunderstood mental disorder. Before I suspected I had it and did my intensive research, I was afraid of people who had DID. As the movies portrayed, I assumed they were normal people who could suddenly snap and turn into cold-blooded killers without warning. Not to say that my alters are the nicest people in the world, because they definitely are not, but they sure as hell are not killers. Please ignore Ms' interest in cannibalism for the moment.

I am worried that my odd changes in behavior, or even the mere fact that I might have DID, will scare people off. As many have said, those with mental disorders are often the victims, not the victimizers. But many do not realize that, and that is partially a result of the upsetting state of media portrayals and stereotyping. It's the same reason many are afraid of LGBT+ folk, or people of color. I am already part of the LGBT+ crowd (unless I'm Eraser) so it is very tricky to exist as is. Let alone having 1... 2... 3... maybe 5 mental disorders? You want a list of all the things that could make a conservative scowl at me? Here goes!

I am pansexual, potentially transgender or just gender questioning, female at birth. I have OCD, PTSD, clinical depression, an anxiety disorder, (self diagnosed at this point:) autism, DID/OSDD, and maybe schizophrenia, still uncertain about it. I'm doomed! 

Please do not come asking for my full name and address. I don't care if you work for the government.

I confess I am also worried about the disastrous relationships my alters have with eachother. Sure, you have Temporary who is generally nice to everyone, especially Ms. But then you have everyone hating Mx, and Agent hating everyone. How do you co-exist with people permanently trapped in your brain who hate you? Short answer: not well. When I am Mx, I often feel degraded and as though some very hurtful eyes are watching over me, waiting for me to misbehave. Agent can straight-up make it difficult to stay asleep because of how intense they can be while I am between states of REM. Some alters wake up earlier than others and don't help in that way either. Some fall asleep earlier and make the only remaining awake one feel like they are being weighed down by the bodies of five others. None of them particularly love eachothers' presence. It's something I've been trying to get them to work on.

If you thought for a second having DID sounded fun, think again. It is extremely unpleasant. It's not a party trick. You can't just tell yourself to switch over to the fun, toddler-like personality whenever you want. It's intrinsic; they come around when they are needed. It is a manner in which people cope with trauma. Heavy trauma. I have experienced so much trauma in my life I can barely keep track. A number of those stories have been documented in this blog in some shape or form. It's hard to look at my life and see anything but a complete destruction of what should have been an innocent and happy childhood. 

But I in NO way blame my parents for it. They did not intend to hurt me. They certainly did not do a majority of the trauma unto me, as far as I can remember. They were not really ready for a kid. And that's okay. I just find it hard to stop blaming myself. I did not wholly choose to live the life I ended up living up until I "became conscious" (as I describe it) in my teenage years. An autistic child was not really meant to exist in a world of neurotypicals. A child was not meant to be on the internet. A child was not meant to see their family get torn apart continually over two decades. A child should not be subjected to the HELLSCAPE that is the American public school system. A child like that becomes withdrawn, sad, traumatized, and inevitably split into six different people. How it's not more than six I can only blame on the fact that my life wasn't entirely miserable. 

I exaggerate slightly. I have a lot of good memories alongside those bad ones. My parents tried their best for me a little later into my childhood and I could not thank them enough if I tried. Simply. These mental disorders I have are not unlivable; I will find a way to work around them or co-exist with them and hopefully live a pretty normal life. Anyone willing to hear me out is already a huge stepping stone. That means you, reader. You made me feel a little better.

I suppose I will leave the traumadumping there, even if that is the purpose of this blog. I got close to crying, that's why. Don't worry about me. There are people out there who have it much worse. That could include you. Prioritize yourself if you can barely keep yourself alive. You matter more than anyone else.

Until next.