Living With Anxiety | Personal Blog

 This is more loosely based on anxiety, and rather just part of my overall mental health struggle. I will get into anxiety has been involved later on if I remember to. Dissociative Identity Disorder (DID, as I will be calling it) is something I have had to do a lot of research about lately because I have recently seriously considered that I may have it. I am aware it's an extreme diagnosis that can't just be tossed around like a warm towel, but I am rarely as certain about somethings as my mental health. With an asterisk, of course. DID has a lot of confusion around it so, based on my intensive research, I will give you an explanation. DID is a disorder that starts due to childhood neglect, abuse, and/or trauma. It cannot form in adulthood because it begins while the brain is still in early developmental stages. It causes a person's personality to split into multiple parts as a way to cope with trauma throughout their entire life. These parts are oft called "alters...

 I've gotten myself into quite a pickle. I've pretty much had this idea planted in my head that I shouldn't tell my parents things about myself because I feel they will get too worried and overreact. Which, I argue, is mostly not a bad thing. But somewhat recently I had that idea challenged. I have a very strong suspicion that I have autism. I have not been diagnosed because, for reasons you will find out soon, I'm afraid to ask to see a psychiatrist. But I've done a lot of research on autism. I've watched videos on people describing their experience with autism and I've related VERY heavily. I find myself struggling and getting tired in social situations. I hold myself back from doing or saying weird things, making me look stiff. I imitate others' behaviors. I stim, A LOT. I get hyperfixations, bad hyperfixations. I couldn't maintain eye contact if my life depended on it. I'm reserved. I take things way too literally. I experience meltdowns. I h...

 I've noticed something interesting.  People say that your dreams are a reflection of your reality. I definitely agree with that. I have had dreams about Radiohead (my favorite band), or Half-Life (my favorite game). I've had dreams with my real life friends in them, current or past. I've had dreams where I basically repeat something that happened in my real life but exaggerated in an AI-generated fashion by my brain. Thankfully (or not thankfully) none of these have been lucid dreams. Though, between my dreams about meeting Thom Yorke and going with my ex-friend on a strange adventure, I also have some dreams related to traumatic events in my life. There are a few examples I can pinpoint: 1. Nightmares about my old living space. 2. About my family. 3. About school. I find it interesting that my brain is so caught up on trauma in my life that it carries over into my dreams. No doubt that dreams are influenced by subjects the brain is infatuated with. I suppose trauma would ...

 Usually my anxiety concerns the world around me. Dentist appointments, school tests, family matters, et cetera. But sometimes I notice anxiety can be revolved specifically around me and what I do. In particular, I notice it all comes back to one part of my life all the way back in 2019. I believe I have detailed this story once before. I was a young teenager, still in middle school. I had a small group of friends who were both in my school and on an online chatting software. Even though I was considered their friends, I felt very out of place in the group. I was weird but in a way that they were not. I obsessed over a fictional character and posted about him constantly, to the annoyance of the group. I didn't understand their senses of humor. I felt so polarized from the group that they considered me expendable (their words not mine). I was removed at some point. I didn't have any friends left to go to. Ever since then I have thought about the person I "used" to be. ...

I haven't been documenting myself lately because there hasn't really been much to share in the past year. I figure, at least once in a while, I should come back here. Really this blog is just for myself. I guess I don't mind if people read it. But I would prefer if people I know don't read it. It's a weird request to have. I guess I just don't want people to judge me. I've been having some very unusual feelings lately. I've made observations about myself that almost feel like the descent of who I was in the past. Not necessarily the normal "growing up" changes, just the slow recession of someone who is dealing with mental illness. I guess if I someday go insane and end up in a psyche ward or in a prison, then these blogs can be looked back on to see what went wrong. That would make life a bit easier, right? It started all the way back in middle school, I think. For context, before middle school, I was very normal. I had lots of friends, talked ...

 I am a glasses wearer. Maybe that surprises you, maybe you already knew and it didn't surprise you. Regardless, that unfortunately means I have to go through an extra appointment every couple of years, known as the opticians.  Essentially, the opticians are similar to dentists or hair saloons, in that they treat one specific part of your body. In the case of the opticians, it's your eyes. More specifically, they try to allow partially blind people (like me) to see better. I'm nearsighted, meaning I can see things up close nice and clear, but things farther away are completely blurry. Blurry to the point where I couldn't read something 10 feet away from me.  Although this sounds bad, it's actually very common. My eyes are perfectly healthy, they just bend light in a different way. In the usual opticians appointment, they'll take quick pictures of your eyes, then test which lenses work to improve your vision, then finally allowing you to pick out a brand new pair...

 I found it funny how, depending on the people I'm around, I almost change who I am. I've talked to my dad about this, who also tends to get nervous when socializing, and he's agreed with me. Of course, I'm not sure how normal this is to other people. It would make sense that you would almost allow yourself to make more mistakes around people you trust, since you trust them enough to know they won't hold you against that. However, that's not all that changes between trusted people and other people. I've noticed over my time on the internet that I seem to divide myself into two or three different personalities, depending on what the social situation is. It's weird how I basically act completely different to people I trust compared to people I haven't spoken to prior. The reason I split myself into three categories is because I tend to have three main settings: internet strangers, real life strangers, and then trusted people.  Honestly, I find it inter...

 I would consider myself a paranoid person, but I usually try to give different impressions to other people. I try to make it seem like I'm capable, able to take down challenges with no fear. Unfortunately, some more personal people know that I'm not at all like that. I'm actually scared of a lot of things. I would even say I have multiple phobias, though maybe I haven't discovered all of them. It's mostly a result of my obsession with watching/listening to true crime stories. The stories that go into great detail about how someone was kidnapped, murdered, or some other horrible third thing. It also has a bit to do with personal experiences.  In this post, I plan to go over my fears, rank them on how much it affects me, and explain why I'm afraid of them. This is just to give a bit more insight into me as a person, and giving you a general idea of how I tend to overdramatize situations. Or, in the case of phobias, having no reason to be afraid of it, but yet I a...

  It is the weekend, and last week was officially the last day of actual school. That means that next week will be the final week of school altogether. The final week, of course, means exams are coming. Last week, we had a teacher-made exam for my first period, meaning that I didn't have to go into the school to take it. Since I take online school, it was a breeze, since, admittedly, I had the ability to look through some of my notes. There weren't necessarily any rules saying I couldn't, so I did. The test was relatively a breeze, and it actually showed me my score at the end, which luckily showed that I passed. The first out of three exams are done. Unfortunately, that may have been the easiest I'll have it. Next week, this Monday, I will have to go into the school to take the other two exams. The unfortunate part comes both in how early I have to get to the school, and how long I have to stay in the school. I have to arrive there at around 7am, which doesn't soun...

  I decided, after a little bit of thought, that it may be a good idea to give a bit of insight into what it's like to be cursed with severe social anxiety. I plan to mostly use this blog for the purpose of sharing wild events that happen in my day-to-day life, but also to kind of explain what being in my shoes is like. I'll start with a bit of an introduction. I go by maniCARNY on the internet, but my real name is very much out in the open. I won't restate it here, you can find it on your own. I have been diagnosed with social anxiety, and have gone through therapy sessions for a year, starting in 2020 and ending in 2021. I left therapy mainly due to feeling I was officially "cured" from anxiety, and was ready to take the leads myself, but ironically, I also left because I was getting tired of mentally prepping myself to begin and get through each session. School had already been enough turmoil, and I was about ready to give myself a break. Over the course of the...