4 | Fears | 6/28/22

 I would consider myself a paranoid person, but I usually try to give different impressions to other people. I try to make it seem like I'm capable, able to take down challenges with no fear. Unfortunately, some more personal people know that I'm not at all like that. I'm actually scared of a lot of things. I would even say I have multiple phobias, though maybe I haven't discovered all of them.

It's mostly a result of my obsession with watching/listening to true crime stories. The stories that go into great detail about how someone was kidnapped, murdered, or some other horrible third thing. It also has a bit to do with personal experiences. 

In this post, I plan to go over my fears, rank them on how much it affects me, and explain why I'm afraid of them. This is just to give a bit more insight into me as a person, and giving you a general idea of how I tend to overdramatize situations. Or, in the case of phobias, having no reason to be afraid of it, but yet I am anyway. Also, I'm doing this because I like talking about myself, despite my low self-confidence.

Lightning/Thunder : Phobia
Also known as astraphobia (I've mentioned previously). For some reason, I can't stand to see the flash of lightning without getting scared. The rumbling of thunder doesn't affect me as badly, but it very much still freaks me out. Any time there's rain or clouds hovering over the entire sky, I get nervous and preemptively start hiding away in my room. The only way I can possibly explain it is due to lightning being completely random and able to kill people very easily.

Guns : Possible phobia
Guns in general won't freak me out, such as a picture of a gun or an audio file with a gunshot sound in it. My fear of guns comes to an in-person gun. Thankfully, I have never knowingly been within 10 feet of a gun, so I haven't had to feel that kind of fear yet. I have had no negative personal experiences with a gun, such as me or my family members being shot, so I have no reason to fear them as much as I do. I think I mostly am scared of either being caught in a robbery, an intense fight, or a school attack, all of which could involve guns.

Death/Pain : Intense fear
Hand in hand with most of my fears, I am incredibly scared of death, and quite paranoid about being in immense pain. Getting shot or struck by lightning, just for relevant examples, could kill me, but if it doesn't, I could be writhing on the ground in immense pain, wishing for death. The worst pain I can say I've been involved in is likely when I have my periods. Periods are really intense.

Appendicitis : Intense fear
This one couldn't fit under a phobia even if it wanted to, because it's just so specifically random. No one else fears appendicitis, I'm 90% sure of that. Despite that, I have an immense fear of suddenly and without warning experiencing appendicitis. If you don't know what it is, it's an inflammation of part of your colon, due usually to food being trapped in it, and it causes immense pain. If it's not removed quickly, it can burst, and usually kills people. Essentially, I either die or I go through emergency surgery. Neither appeals to me. With that said...

Surgery : Intense fear
Although surgery itself seems fine enough, as its intended to save your life, I've heard some horrible stories about surgery. I once had ordinary surgery when I was young, because I had to be tested for celiac, but other than that, I've only ever had mouth surgery to remove some baby teeth. Specifically, anesthesia awareness freaks me out a lot, despite how little chance it has to happen. Essentially, you are fully awake during surgery, feeling all the pain (in some cases), while you're completely paralyzed. Also, I've heard situations where patient's intestines have exploded due to Oxygen being very flammable, which has killed them. Even though it seems like a somewhat peaceful way to die, I'd rather live a full life first.

Bombs/Nuclear weaponry : Moderate fear
Although the chances of being hit with a nuclear weapon are slim, especially since I live in the United States, the chances, especially now (during Russia vs Ukraine), are possible. I'm really just scared of it because it wipes out millions of people easily while giving even more people debilitating radiation sickness.

Making mistakes : Moderate fear
Anxiety comes with many disadvantages, and unfortunately that includes the fear of making mistakes. I make mistakes all the damn time, and most of them stick with me for a very long time. I'm scared of thinking what other people think of me when I make mistakes, and whether or not it has affected my life negatively in the long run. It's difficult to explain exactly why I am afraid of it, it just comes with having an anxiety disorder.

Bad relationships : Moderate fear
Specifically, relationships that go so sour that the other person has a vendetta to personally harm or kill me. This is mostly due to the true crime stories I've listened to, as more times than not, murders happen because of sour relationships between people. It somewhat affects how I communicate to others.

Robberies : Moderate fear
Again, true crime stories. Robberies are such a scary-sounding situation that I hope to never ever get myself involved with. I don't just mean a silent robbery where someone steals stuff without warning, although that can be scary, I mean someone who goes out of their way to wake you up and threaten you with a gun. Of course, as previously mentioned, guns are not appealing to me.

Rabid dogs : Minor fear
This easily could do with something that happened in my childhood. When I was a kid, I was playing with my friend neighbors in our yards, when suddenly one of the neighbor's dogs started chasing me. Long story short, I fell, got covered in a lot of bloody scrapes, and never wanted to go near the dog again. Even though the dog was not rabid, and was instead just an excited puppy, I hear rabid dogs are a lot harder to control compared to puppies. Also, the dog unfortunately has to die most of the time.

Root canals : Minor fear
This somewhat goes hand in hand with surgery, specifically I fear having to get a root canal done. There's not really an explanation to it, besides me having no idea how to avoid it.

There are a number of other fears I have that maybe I'll add to this post later. These are pretty much the main fears I consistently get reminded of, and unfortunately most of them are completely unavoidable. Regardless, it was interesting to take more of a personal approach to my fears. Maybe you've learned something too.

I don't have any interesting stories to tell at the moment, so this blog may lie dormant for a little while. Until next time, when a juicy story comes up.