5 | Personas | 7/5/22

 I found it funny how, depending on the people I'm around, I almost change who I am. I've talked to my dad about this, who also tends to get nervous when socializing, and he's agreed with me. Of course, I'm not sure how normal this is to other people. It would make sense that you would almost allow yourself to make more mistakes around people you trust, since you trust them enough to know they won't hold you against that. However, that's not all that changes between trusted people and other people.
I've noticed over my time on the internet that I seem to divide myself into two or three different personalities, depending on what the social situation is. It's weird how I basically act completely different to people I trust compared to people I haven't spoken to prior.

The reason I split myself into three categories is because I tend to have three main settings: internet strangers, real life strangers, and then trusted people.

 Honestly, I find it interesting that the anonymity of the internet essentially adds another person to me. I've noticed when I have the opportunity to pause and think about how to respond to something, such as over a text chat, I tend to say more bold things. Whereas in real life, where I usually keep to only a few words at a time, on the internet, I find it easier to add more substance to my words. I suppose maybe this has something to do with me wanting to prevent me making mistakes. I have to think about what I say before I say it, or else I'm scared I'll say something "incorrectly". In a casual conversation, there is no "incorrect". Yet, I still act as if there is.

To strangers in general, I usually try to avoid talking to them if I can help it. Honestly, I'm not really sure why. The only thing I can think of is trying to make a good impression, yet if I never see these people again, what does it matter?
Well, it's complicated. I think I'll talk about it another day, but essentially it has to do with my unusual desire to look back on times when I embarrassed myself or something bad happened to me. Anxiety disorders have so many layers to them it's almost impossible to peel them all back.

And of course, to come off as a cordial person to strangers, I put stack that to my persona. In reality, I wouldn't say I'm the kindest person. Some people who know me well could argue I'm generous (not tooting my own horn), but that's not necessarily kind. In reality, I can't control my emotions well. Specifically, negative emotions. Again, that could be another topic in the future.
If a stranger angers me, I try not to show it, as to try not to make a negative impression. I know that, when I'm angry, I make a lot of mistakes. Anyone who's ever been angry knows; you can't control yourself well. The easiest way to make a mistake is not to think first, and I rely on thinking to socialize. It's hard to remain calm when someone is pushing your buttons, though.
I take anger out way more on trusted people than strangers. I regret to say that, but it's the truth. I suppose with that trust comes, as I expressed earlier, the belief that the person will not judge you for your mistakes. I usually don't worry as much about controlling myself around trusted people because of that. I act more like "myself" because I don't need to make that first impression if the person already trusts me.

Essentially, all that strangers, like you readers, will see, is someone who tries to be on their best behavior, give or take. That's why I'm almost hesitant to separate internet strangers from real strangers, because besides keeping more quiet in real life, they're pretty much exactly the same to me.
Though, I suppose the fact that I have to split myself like that could be a bit strange. For one, I'm consciously not acting like "myself" around other people. I'm almost putting a façade on just to avoid regretting the mistakes I make then in the future.
For another thing, I'm nicer to one group of people as opposed to the other. If anything, I should be nicer to people I trust, not strangers. It's something I want to work on at some point in the future. I want to fuse my personas back together into one: "myself". That's going to take a long time, though. If I just discovered recently that I've been dividing myself like this, it'll take even longer to put myself back together.

Since I've found myself a few smaller topics to talk about, since summer vacation has been immensely uneventful in that regard, I might be making more blogs whenever I find the time. Basically, I'll just be describing the different layers my anxiety disorder has to it. Maybe you'll find it interesting, maybe you'll find it boring. You're here to learn, and learning is almost always boring.

Perhaps I will write again soon. Until then.