8 | New Things | 9/9/22

 I am a teenager. That means I have to slowly transition from being a child into being an adult. As impatient yet unexcited I am to become an adult, it really hasn't been sticking in my mind for more than a few seconds. Unfortunately, I still have to prepare for that moment, in which it is forced to stay in my brain for up to several hours. What's the best example of this? Driving.

If you're an adult, driving is probably just a thing you do whenever you need to go somewhere. For someone with an anxiety disorder and who has never drove more than a golf cart, it's a little bit of a different experience. Maybe you remember from when you were first learning to drive, it's a little scary.

Last year, during the summer, I learned how to drive. Well, I learned the essentials on how to drive. It started with an online course where we had to spend 3 hours on an online chat learning about how to stop at a red light. After about 2 weeks, we took an exam. Despite what seemed like very basic information, I was still very nervous about failing my exam. Thankfully, I managed to pass my exam by one correct question. Maybe you could consider me a danger to the road society for that, but I didn't fail the exam, I just barely passed it. Clearly, they believed I was qualified to drive a car.

And so, many months later, I was invited to my school at the early hours of 7am and 9am to drive a car. This happened over the course of 6 hours spread over 3 days, and oh boy, were those some of the most unpleasant 3 days of my life. If you think driving on a scary road with fast metal machines barreling towards you was scary enough, imagine what it was like for someone who gets scared at almost anything.

The first day was pretty simple. I arrived at the parking lot of my school, completely petrified with fear. We had to wait a few minutes before the previous driving student arrived from their lesson, and once they arrived, I walked over to the driving instructor and the car I would be driving in. It was a very modern car, adjusted to allow the instructor to step in if needed. The first steps of the lesson was to check the state of the car. I was given a manual to check off each part of the car I had to check. I kicked each of the tires to make sure they were full, looked at the windows and windshield to make sure they weren't cracked, checked the mirrors and lights to make sure they weren't covered, and lastly checked the exhaust pipe to make sure it wasn't clogged. I also checked the engine a bit to make sure nothing was going to explode.

After that, the instructor explained the basics of what we would be doing. Basically, we would drive around the parking lot, then drive around more of the school. Since already 30 minutes had been eaten out of the lesson, it seemed like that would be the rest of it. And so, I followed the instructor's directions. I turned on the car, released the brakes, and drove slowly out of the parking space. I drove slowly around in circles for quite a while, getting adjusted to driving in a car. I must say, it was rather fun, just safely driving around with no danger in sight. Then, she told me to drive around the school a bit. I had to take a lot of turns, take speedbumps, and stop at signs. It was a very nice introduction to driving, and that was perhaps my favorite part of the whole course.

But it wasn't meant to last. The instructor then said she wanted a snack. It didn't really register in my brain what she was implying with this, until she told me to take a turn out of the parking lot and onto the busy road. And as suddenly as I just worded it, I was driving 40mph on a two-lane road packed with cars. My anxiety slapped me like a baseball bat as every possible bad thing that could happen started filling my brain.
What if I crashed? What if someone tailgated me? What if I missed a sign and got pulled over? What if I missed a traffic light and almost hit someone? What if I accidentally crossed over the line and had a head-on with someone? Basically: what if I died here?
Despite that, I managed to get a pretty good grip of myself. I followed the instructor's directions (almost like listening to a GPS), stopped at each traffic light and stop sign, and drove all the way to a gas station. I turned off the car, and followed her in while she bought herself a snack, not offering me anything. We then returned to the car and drove back to the school, where I had to park into one of the spaces. It ended in me almost shaking in both fear and exhilaration as I finally had driven a car for the first time in my life.

The first day was really super easy, though, at least in comparison to the other 2 days. The second day was a lot more unpleasant. It started the same, I checked the features of the car to make sure it was safe, and then entered the car only 10 minutes into the lesson. Since I had already been introduced to driving on a busy road, I assumed it would be the same thing again. Indeed, I was directed around the parking lot a little bit, then sent out on the road. This time, I followed a route towards my local city. That's right, I was driving around a city on my second ever time driving.

I made a few mistakes along the way, such as driving too fast or almost crossing over the line, but overall I managed to do exceptionally well (not to brag). However, there is one horrifying experience I won't forget, and that's how harsh the instructor was towards me. I was driving a little over the line at one point, and the instructor exclaimed "to the right, go to the right". I veered the wheel slightly to the right, ever so slightly, expecting the car to correct itself. It did not. She then shouted "Go to the right!" I veered the wheel slightly more, and the car very slowly moved to the right. Apparently, this was still not enough for her. I don't remember her exact words, but she basically yelled something to the effect of, "go to the right now! Do you want to get in a crash?" On the verge of tears, I finally yanked the wheel far enough to allow the car back on the right side of the road. All of this happened in about 10 seconds, and yet somehow I managed to maintain myself enough not to get into a crash. From then on, I was terrified of crossing over the line; not because I thought I'd get in a crash, but because of the instructor yelling at me. I understand why she yelled, after all, it's a very dangerous environment, however I think she forgot she was talking to someone who was very new to driving, and just got frustrated with me.

Finally, we went out of the city area and went to a neighborhood near the school to drive around more. The road was very clear of driving cars and people, but not of trash bins, mailboxes, and parked cars. It was riddled with turns, signs, and all kinds of obstacles. It proved to be even more difficult than driving around the outskirts of a city. 

At one point, I reached a stop sign and stopped. I was taught to look left, then right, then left again, and then pull out. Although I could see the road somewhat clearly, and started to pull out, the car halted suddenly. My instructor had slammed on the brakes on her side, exclaiming, "can you see the road?" I said not really, and she told me to pull forward slightly. I did, but not far enough. She kept telling me to pull forward more, then finally she pushed the brakes. I looked again, then finally pulled out successfully. Although less life endangering, and less intense, it was still an unpleasantly memorable event.

At last, we returned back to the school. Again, I parked into the space. Instead of just being in shock, I was straight-up terrified afterwards. I was excited about letting someone else drive a car instead of me. The instructor also seemed a lot more cheerful when my parent was around, telling me to cheer up since the lesson was over, as I was clearly petrified from fear. I was extremely nervous about the third and final day.

And so, the next day, it was time to finish my driving course. Of course, I expected it just to be more practice around the road. Although, the whole previous night I was wondering if I would have to go on the highway. I even tried looking up if that would be the case, and I never got a straight answer, so I simply hoped I wouldn't have to. You can tell by how I've worded this so far, that wasn't the case.

The lesson started in the parking lot again, where I would have to learn how to back up the car. We practiced me turning my head to face the back windshield and reversing the car in a relatively straight line. I did quite well with it. Then, we moved on to the next area. 

At another section of the school, I had to coordinate a 3-point turn. If you're unfamiliar, basically it's turning your car completely around by moving your car at 3 points of a narrow road. At first, she explained how to do it: drive forward to turn 90 degrees, reverse back while turning, and then drive forward while turning. Then of course, I was expected to do it on my own. I froze at the wheel, completely helpless at how to do it on my own. She asked me what was wrong, and I admitted I had forgotten the steps. She told me I had to remember them, and then told me to perform the first step on my own. I got it wrong by reversing instead of driving forward, and she stopped the car and told me I was wrong. I drove forward, and I took her silence as "you are correct this time". After struggling for several moments, I finally got the hang of it. Of course, right as I got the hang of it, she once again announced she needed a snack. Fear filled my body, as she directed me back onto the busy road.

As we approached the ramp towards the highway, I kept begging in my mind, "not the highway, please not the highway." A few seconds later, I found myself rolling down the ramp onto a 4-lane road at 70mph. I was completely horrified at what was happening. I thought for sure I would die on the highway, there was no way I would be able to navigate it. It's a vehicle moving at 70mph, there's no way to control it once something goes awry. However, after a few moments of terror, I started to get comfortable with it. There were no turns or stop signs, only straight road for miles. The only obstacle was the few scattered cars along the road. On the way to another gas station, my only problem was maintaining a speed under 70mph.

We stopped again, she got a snack and offered me nothing. We returned to the car and she directed me back to the highway to drive back. This time, things were a little less simple. I had to change lanes in the middle of the highway, rather than just merging from the ramp. I started by looking in the mirrors, and it completely slipped my mind to look in my blind spots. She jerked the wheel back in the lane just as I was starting to move over, and she asked, "what are you forgetting?" After a moment I realized, and looked back in the mirrors, then turning around to look out the back windows. Then I slowly inched over to the next lane, but apparently that was too slow, so the instructor pulled the wheel harder. I turned off my signals with great difficulty, and then continued to cruise along the highway until our exit came up.

And that was that. We returned to the school, excitement filling my body, and parked in the space. I hopped out of the car with great relief. It was finally over. My parent and the instructor talked a little about what would come next, then we left. I was so happy to finally be out of there for good.

All that was left was for me to get my drivers permit, which only required taking another exam. It was only 10 questions, and I nailed each of them, passing with flying colors. I got my picture taken, which, as any driver will tell you, is never the most pleasant picture of yourself. I walked out of there with a paper copy, and later had a real copy mailed to me. Truly, it was one of my proudest achievements. Although it's only a permit, rather than a license, it's still a step in the right direction.

I haven't driven since, though I plan to soon. I'm still trying to shake off my nerves from the instructor. Driving itself was pretty easy, although keeping the wheel straight while your head is facing the opposite direction isn't the easiest task in the world. I know I'm going to have to do that a lot while driving. Regardless, it was a very interesting experience, and one that certainly activated the fight-or-flight response in my brain several times. What helped was knowing that, not only was I in full control of whether I died or not, but also a professional was there to save our lives if needed.

Anyway, if you were curious about what drivers education is like, that's what it's like. That's about all the news I've had, even with school starting 2 weeks ago. Maybe something interesting will happen. I sure hope not. Until next time.