10 | Judgement | 2/15/24

I've noticed a bit of a pattern in the relationships that I have with others. Often, I'll meet people who I relate to and who like (or at the very least, understand/empathize with) who I am. But other times, I'll meet people who seem that way, but end up being judgmental towards me. They seem like chill people, not giving a damn about who I am or what I say. But when things get too far for them, they'll break off without warning. That has happened to me twice within the range of three years.

It's hard to really understand, at least in the moment, who is in the wrong in that situation. I can empathize with those who wish to avoid judgement; they don't want to hear bad things said about them, even if not directed to them. When people talk about online artists as if they are the most retarded scum of the Earth, it hurts me a little, even if they don't specifically say my name. But, when it comes to more personal relationships, such as the two I eluded to, you have the opportunity to speak up. If something your friend does bothers you, you can tell them about it. If they won't stop, then break off from them, because you're clearly not meant to be friends. But if they are willing to listen and stop, then everything can be fine. In my case, it's not that I wanted to hurt those specific people, it's just that I didn't know they were offended because they never spoke up. Hence, them leaving me suddenly and without warning left me with the feeling that I was in the wrong. But, when I look back, I don't think I was.

Still, I can't help but think about how much those losses hurt me. They obviously weren't willing to give me a chance, they just wanted to leave and feel comfortable with people they knew wouldn't be as judgmental as me. Even though, I see myself as a malleable person who can change if people are unhappy with me. They never tested that theory. 

Let's start with the first person. In a group chat me and several others were in, we experienced a load of drama revolving around one specific person. This person was supposedly experiencing harassment from a former friend. Later, it was revealed the person had been lying, pretending to be harassed and gaslighting us into seeing other, innocent people as the bad guys. It was an immensely traumatic situation. When all of us found out about the lies, we had the same reaction. We wanted to get away from this person as soon as possible. It was clear her only intention was to harm us. None of us were willing to give her a second chance.

But one friend reacted differently. She had been one of this person's best friends. This was due to far greater gaslighting than we could've ever sanely experienced. While we understood that she was a terrible person, this friend didn't. She was so sure that this person was someone worth staying with. I, on my own accord, tried to out the person as being terrible. When I did, this friend demanded I take it down and criticized me heavily for doing so, saying she didn't deserve it. I didn't believe her, but willing to make a compromise, I took it down. I allowed us to go our separate ways and never speak again. She abided by that.

I felt, and still feel, as if I did the right thing. This person was a truly despicable person. However, I never wanted to blame my former friend for criticizing me. I was angry, undoubtedly, that this person I once thought of as my friend would be willing to get so angry with me over something I thought we all agreed with. Or, at the very least, we were willing to accept eachothers positions. I wasn't, but I am now. She wasn't and isn't. Was there anyone in the wrong in this situation? Yes, I think both of us were wrong. We both could've handled it more maturely. However, I am aware now that she had been gaslighted and groomed into believing this evil person was okay. I won't encroach, as I promised. She won't and hasn't listened to me.

But, even roughly three years later, it still hurts me to think about. We both got along well. She seemed very kind to me, willing to support me when I felt down. Although I wasn't a big fan of her personality, I still acknowledged how kind she was. If this wrench had never gotten in the way of things, we could've still been friends to this day. And it hurts me to know that this person succeeded in gaslighting someone into becoming one of their lackeys. It all hurts. I hope the best for them, I truly do. But, admittedly, I don't have much hope that they'll be able to get out of the pit that they're in.

On a second, less serious note, I had this happen to me yet again. A person who happened to know one of my friends. Eventually, he got pulled into the inner circle and became one of my friends too. We played games a lot, all of us together. He seemed chill, very unjudgmental and willing to bend to our wacky senses of humor. We all saw it as the reckoning for this new friend of ours.

But, out of the blue, they approached us all and admitted they were unhappy in our group chat. We were all confused, and he was unwilling to indulge the reason. After some pressing, he admitted he didn't like the way some of us were talking "about him". None of us had done anything of the sort. Objectively, there was no evidence in his favor. He elaborated, saying that me and my boyfriend had been talking bad about a group of people that he fell into. That being, rightists.

I won't bite my tongue. I dislike rightists. I despise rightists who hold back rights from others and insist upon harmful practices. I did not bite my tongue in that group chat either. But I had no idea, because he had given me no indication, that he was offended by any of those comments. In fact, I had no idea he was a rightist. He gave no hints towards it. But now, all of a sudden, I'm being reprimanded for the comments I made "about him". I ask the question, how could I have made comments about him being a rightist if I didn't even know he was a rightist? I don't go out of my way to offend people to their face, because I know how much that can hurt. I've been there before. If I had known those comments were offending this person, I would've bit my tongue. I'm sure my boyfriend would've done the same. I'm sure my other friends would've, too, because I know they're good people. But we weren't given the chance. We were abandoned, and a few of us (including me) were told to never speak to him again. It stung. At the time, I thought I did something wrong. I thought we had all done something wrong. But we didn't. We didn't know, he didn't give a single hint about it. It's not our faults for being ignorant. I have to keep telling myself that or else I start to loathe myself.

We haven't talked to him for nearly two months. Clearly, although we had the potential for it, he didn't want us to be friends. I want to say "that's fine" and move on. But I can't move on without closure. There was no closure here. The first friend had something resembling closure, but it still unsettles me knowing what might be happening to them while they're under the influence of a groomer, while I can do nothing to help them. The only option I have is to forget about it. And maybe writing about it in this blog will help that happen faster. Am I wrong for not offering closure? I might be. But in the end, it's not my fault. That makes me feel a little better.

I guess I just need to recount stories in my life to help me move past them. Otherwise I keep thinking about them because they have nowhere else to go. That's really the purpose of this blog. I'm my own therapist, I guess. Until next time.