13 | Me | 9/15/24

 Usually my anxiety concerns the world around me. Dentist appointments, school tests, family matters, et cetera. But sometimes I notice anxiety can be revolved specifically around me and what I do. In particular, I notice it all comes back to one part of my life all the way back in 2019. I believe I have detailed this story once before.

I was a young teenager, still in middle school. I had a small group of friends who were both in my school and on an online chatting software. Even though I was considered their friends, I felt very out of place in the group. I was weird but in a way that they were not. I obsessed over a fictional character and posted about him constantly, to the annoyance of the group. I didn't understand their senses of humor. I felt so polarized from the group that they considered me expendable (their words not mine). I was removed at some point. I didn't have any friends left to go to.

Ever since then I have thought about the person I "used" to be. I was rude and mean. I thought only about myself and what made me feel good. If no one was like me, I would try to turn them into me. Perhaps I am exaggerating my memories. Either way, I would go out of my way to call myself evil. I wouldn't be surprised if people felt hurt by my actions. I endlessly apologize to them.

I've become anxious about becoming my past self again. That era of my life wrecked my person permanently. I became overly sensitive and sympathetic to a fault. If I somewhat hurt someone's feelings I would berate myself very harshly. Despite that development, I've noticed that I still move in and out of two states of person. One being the sensitive side I just described, and the other being that vindictive side. I can say with full confidence that I am not bipolar. These changes in personality happen over long periods of time (a year typically) and, funnily enough, always start in autumn.

I've somewhat come to understand why these changes happen to me. I noticed that when I get comfortable around my friends I feel more comfortable being mean at them. I feel that, if they are my greatest friends, they should find my jokes at their expense to be funny and not demeaning. If not my jokes, then just my general actions. But I do hurt people's feelings. And I don't really realize I'm doing it until my friends are criticizing me for the way I'm acting.

I fear that eventually I will reach that point in my life for a second time where my friends want to remove me from their lives. All because I got too comfortable with them and could not behave myself.

I am almost acting like this against my will. The last thing I want is to hurt people and yet I end up doing it anyway. I feel as though I don't deserve to have friends, and yet I don't want to be removed from their lives.

It's hard to say what I want. I guess I just don't want to become evil again.

Until next.