Posts

16 | School | 6/18/25

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 This will be a bit of a different entry. For context, I am 19 and currently in college. I had to experience the entire public schooling system (besides one year of private schooling) up to this point, from Pre-Kindergarten up to my Senior year of high school. I live in the USA and have done so throughout my education. If you want an idea of the average(?) Gen Z American public schooling experience, this will be your chance to learn. Prepare yourself for a detailed recounting of some of the most hellish years of my entire life. Chapter One: Preschool (AKA Pre-K). I began preschool when I was either 4 or 5, I can't remember. I went to a school with only two teachers that educated students on how to speak basic Spanish, as well as English of course. That was the main thing I remembered about preschool education. I learned how to count to ten in Spanish and still retain the knowledge to this day: uno, dos, tres, quatro, cinco, seis, siete, ocho, nueve, diez. We also got the opportunit...
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15 | Cover | 4/5/25

 I've gotten myself into quite a pickle. I've pretty much had this idea planted in my head that I shouldn't tell my parents things about myself because I feel they will get too worried and overreact. Which, I argue, is mostly not a bad thing. But somewhat recently I had that idea challenged. I have a very strong suspicion that I have autism. I have not been diagnosed because, for reasons you will find out soon, I'm afraid to ask to see a psychiatrist. But I've done a lot of research on autism. I've watched videos on people describing their experience with autism and I've related VERY heavily. I find myself struggling and getting tired in social situations. I hold myself back from doing or saying weird things, making me look stiff. I imitate others' behaviors. I stim, A LOT. I get hyperfixations, bad hyperfixations. I couldn't maintain eye contact if my life depended on it. I'm reserved. I take things way too literally. I experience meltdowns. I h...
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14 | Nightmares | 10/30/24

 I've noticed something interesting.  People say that your dreams are a reflection of your reality. I definitely agree with that. I have had dreams about Radiohead (my favorite band), or Half-Life (my favorite game). I've had dreams with my real life friends in them, current or past. I've had dreams where I basically repeat something that happened in my real life but exaggerated in an AI-generated fashion by my brain. Thankfully (or not thankfully) none of these have been lucid dreams. Though, between my dreams about meeting Thom Yorke and going with my ex-friend on a strange adventure, I also have some dreams related to traumatic events in my life. There are a few examples I can pinpoint: 1. Nightmares about my old living space. 2. About my family. 3. About school. I find it interesting that my brain is so caught up on trauma in my life that it carries over into my dreams. No doubt that dreams are influenced by subjects the brain is infatuated with. I suppose trauma would ...
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13 | Me | 9/15/24

 Usually my anxiety concerns the world around me. Dentist appointments, school tests, family matters, et cetera. But sometimes I notice anxiety can be revolved specifically around me and what I do. In particular, I notice it all comes back to one part of my life all the way back in 2019. I believe I have detailed this story once before. I was a young teenager, still in middle school. I had a small group of friends who were both in my school and on an online chatting software. Even though I was considered their friends, I felt very out of place in the group. I was weird but in a way that they were not. I obsessed over a fictional character and posted about him constantly, to the annoyance of the group. I didn't understand their senses of humor. I felt so polarized from the group that they considered me expendable (their words not mine). I was removed at some point. I didn't have any friends left to go to. Ever since then I have thought about the person I "used" to be. ...
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12 | Misunderstood | 8/25/24

 I would say that all my life I have at the very least been a shy person. Over time, possibly over the course of a decade, that built into a noticeable anxiety disorder. At this point I'm a wreck. Unfortunately that has been made no better by the way people have treated me when I'm feeling anxious. All my life, especially in school, I have faced people downplaying my anxiety and criticizing me for not acting in a certain way despite my anxiety.  Before I criticize all of those who haven't treated anxiety with the seriousness I feel it deserves, I am very grateful to say there are people who do understand and sympathize with me. Notably, when I went to the dentist for a cleaning a few months ago, the hygienist noticed I was having a panic attack about having an X-ray and respectfully and patiently helped me calm down so that I could get it done. That level of respect being shown to me is a rarity, and I'm very thankful for it. Anxiety is hard to understand, and I too can...
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11 | Silent | 7/30/24

 I have so many things I wish to say but I have unwanted eyes looking at me.
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10 | Judgement | 2/15/24

I've noticed a bit of a pattern in the relationships that I have with others. Often, I'll meet people who I relate to and who like (or at the very least, understand/empathize with) who I am. But other times, I'll meet people who seem that way, but end up being judgmental towards me. They seem like chill people, not giving a damn about who I am or what I say. But when things get too far for them, they'll break off without warning. That has happened to me twice within the range of three years. It's hard to really understand, at least in the moment, who is in the wrong in that situation. I can empathize with those who wish to avoid judgement; they don't want to hear bad things said about them, even if not directed to them. When people talk about online artists as if they are the most retarded scum of the Earth, it hurts me a little, even if they don't specifically say my name. But, when it comes to more personal relationships, such as the two I eluded to, you h...
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